It is a common thing to hear as a therapist: “what is wrong with me?” or “why do I keep attracting the wrong person?” The cycle of anticipating another date only to be let down once again is painful. No, it’s excruciating.
And it’s hard not to give into the temptation of a “good enough” match. What is also painful is staying in a relationship which you feel in your gut is not working while it slowly erodes your self confidence and sense of identity. Perhaps you end the relationship and you feel the pain anyway. Or perhaps you continue to just lose yourself a little at a time.
Phew.
So, how does someone keep up the energy and the hope while dating? Here are a few tips that can help reset the energy reserves:
1. Focus on you. Your feelings, needs and desires should be your top priority while dating. Start with a deep dive into how you picture your life in a year, then ten years, then twenty five and so on. Think about the qualities and values you want to hold on to in yourself and the expectations you have for a partner at each phase of life. Write these down and develop two lists: one is what are the non-negotiables about my identity and values, the second is what are the non-negotiables in a partner.
2. Quantity to get to Quality. Now hold yourself to your lists: the quickest way to get to your best match is to think about dating like it is a FUN-nel (pun intended). Plan to date many people in a brief period of time and to have FUN while doing it. Visualize all of the dating options starting at the large end of a funnel with just one coming out the small end. This means that there will 99.9% of the dates who do not make it to the longterm committed partner role. You will say a lot of “no’s”. That is ok! You are likely only looking for one, right? The quicker you say “no”, the quicker you get to the .1%.
3. Take care of your side of the street and expect that your date will do the same. It is ok to take a break from dating if you need it. It is also equally ok to let your date know what you want upfront. Something as simple as communicating your favorite restaurant or saying no to a suggestion of drinks only is a key to communicating from the start of the relationship. Many people fear coming off too forward or blunt, but communicating clearly and specifically about what your preferences and needs are is an efficient way to weed out partners who are not a match. Someone who does not value communication may not be a great long term partner!
4. Reset expectations on what you cannot control. I have found that maybe the hardest part of all dating for my clients is acknowledging that a high percentage of compatibility is outside either partner’s control. You may find someone who meets all of the criteria you want and you just do not fit their criteria, or vice versa. Or perhaps the match truly is perfect but you are both career minded and neither is willing to relocate for the other person. Maybe you realize at some point in the dating process that one or both of you are in need of an emotional intelligence glow-up. Circumstances and timing dictate much more of a relationship’s compatibility than is given credit. It’s ok to say no to a partner that is great, but came along at the wrong time.
5. Practice self compassion. Take time to tune into your emotions. Are you burned out from dating? Take a break and return when you are ready. Are you blaming yourself for a difficult breakup and maybe it makes you wary of starting over? Sometimes the perspective we have can dictate how ready we are to try again. Take the time you need to get back to a balanced perspective: all relationships involve more than one person. There may have been things that triggered you and you can do something about how you react to a trigger in the future. The process of beating yourself up for how the relationship went or ended is not so useful. Because you have decided you want to be partnered in this life, you will eventually get back out and date again. By using self compassion to move you back to a balanced perspective, you are preparing the heart and mind who are going back out into the dating arena. Because they are going back anyway, help them attract more balanced perspectives!
6. Like attracts like. Your heart and mindframe lead and will attract a like heart and mindframe. When you do the internal work of challenging your self blame, communicating your needs, setting your nonnegotiable boundaries and practicing emotional regulation, you invite others who match this mentality to stay and allow others who cannot to go.
7. Remember that the dating part of a relationship is meant to truly be FUN! The work part of a relationship comes when you are actually in the long term relationship. Commitment and trust go hand in hand, and you cannot have one without the other. Let go of the myth that dating for a long term partnership comes with commitment upfront. True commitment comes with vetted trust and time. Fill up your FUN-nel with options and let time tell who can build trust. Say no to the 99.9% quickly and often, and your .1% will surface.
Final thought: you are worthy of finding your best quality match. There will be circumstances, people and old triggered memories that will cause you to doubt yourself. You do know what is best for you, and this is YOUR life. Most people don’t look back on life and regret things they did, so invite more options in! I imagine you will weather the emotions and one day be glad you didn’t settle.
If you become stuck in any area of dating, but especially if these areas above are a struggle, set up an appointment and we can work on these together in a therapy session.
Happy FUN-neling!