I get the question very frequently in sessions: why are we fighting about something so small? Sometimes it’s about the dishwasher, did someone pick up their socks, or as I often share with the couples I see—salad. These may be a fight on repeat, which we call gridlocked problems, or they seem to come out of nowhere.

Out of confusion and sometimes defensiveness one or both partners in the conflict might choose to ignore or turn against their partner’s spoken need and miss the opportunity to grow closer together. If you have said or even thought, “They are nagging again” or “He is just picking a fight over nothing”, you have probably also missed an opportunity to see your partner more clearly and even find that love that drew you together in the first place.

If the fight is repeated or potentially gridlocked then there is almost certainly a missed opportunity for growth of loving and understanding. The Gottman Institute has developed a tool to help with this and it is called Dreams Within Conflict, a structured and easy to follow exercise, to help couples overcome conflict.

One of the best pairings for this tool is a safe environment to share. If you or your partner are struggling to see past these seemingly small fights and provide the safe place for you each to explore your deeper needs, request an appointment and we can work toward those goals together.