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Most research describes a negative correlation between tv viewing and children's social and emotional growth, particularly under the age of 4 and in low socioeconomic groups.
Fascinating new research actually contradicts this older trend, but only for programming such as PBS' Daniel Tiger's Neighborhood and only if there is an interactive adult who provides conversation about the programming.
An impressive New York Times piece on modern marriage and the reality that many people may not need to divorce.
http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.html?_r=0
So how do you spend the (sometimes small) amount of time you have to talk to your partner? Do you promote connection or do you talk past each other? The difference may not be as obvious as you would think.
Taking a vacation is not always a viable option for couples. The extra time we spend together may be the first thing that goes in a marriage. What you can do to make your marriage work:
http://verilymag.com/2016/05/marriage-advice-keeping-the-romance-alive-lasting-love
Developing your relationships starts with you. You cannot know where you are going or really assess what is happening on the other side of the feedback loop without knowing yourself. This involves some work--sometimes intense work--to manage your emotions or thoughts or behaviors.
Chicken Soup for the Soul developer, Jack Canfield, has a concept which sums up this process: any given event plus your response equals the outcome. In that equation, most people will focus either exclusively on the event (a trauma, a perceived slight, act of God) or exclusively on the outcome (feelings of hurt, loss of resources). This focus is not only a recipe for helplessness and a decrease in self esteem, it also gives power to ALL the parts of the equation that we do not have control over. We only have the power to change our reactions.
Now, this is 100% easier said than done, but it is also true that no one else can do the work to change our reactions. If we react with hopelessness and focus on all the things that are happening wrong around us, then we continue to stay powerless. You can see that if that happens regularly, or even semi-regularly, your perception of what you are capable of being and doing can become negative and so can your self esteem and self image. Soon, negatively approaching each new day becomes a self fulfilling prophecy.
So, where do you start? First is becoming aware of what you have control over each minute--your emotions, your thoughts and your behaviors. Is complaining to your colleague a stress reliever or does it keep you verbally and mentally stuck? Did having that second (or third) drink help you to forget or did it just push the problem off until the next morning?
Second is developing the self awareness to know which strategies to use instead of the ones you've identified that no longer work. Maybe you remember that running is an excellent destresser and brings you clarity. Or you know that watching a certain comedian will leave you in stitches and more able to cope. Maybe talking a walk at lunch (by yourself if you cannot stop the vent from becoming a complaint) will keep your energy up for the rest of the day. If you don't know, it's time to explore--and remember not to settle for good enough for these strategies.
Finally, use the strategies. Simple, but not really because unless these strategies are consistent and a habit, then it will be easy to fall back to the strategies which created the low self esteem.
Remember, you are fighting a negative frame of mind and it is very powerful. You can fight it though, and you will believe it too once you are in a more positive frame of mind. Until then, hang in there and call me if you need some session time.
A fascinating take on how low resources can result in depression or depressive symptoms. When you struggle with depression, the self doubt, blame and learned (and reinforced) helplessness can be high. I highly recommend reaching out for help with depression because it is treatable, even if it feels insurmountable.
Being in a marriage can be difficult territory, especially if you don't know what your fights mean. The Gottmans have narrowed down the top 6 fights that all married couples have, and the areas of work needed as a result.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-arguments-all-married-couples-have/
Enjoy this small reminder of what it takes to balance. Happy Tuesday!
Same sex couples' successes and failures were studied alongside straight couples', and the bottom line is that same sex couples tend to operate from a healthier set of principles.
Emotional intelligence appears to be higher in same sex couples, where hostile and controlling emotional tactics were fewer. Humor and positive perspective were more often used to start disagreements, and disagreements were more easily forgotten when done. The research goes on to show the differences in lesbian couples' and gay couples' argument patterns, likely a result of gender socialization.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/what-makes-same-sex-relationships-succeed-or-fail/
Neat Resource for caregivers, teachers or therapists using the movie Inside Out.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/12-ways-to-use-inside-out-to-teach-emotional-intelligence/
The article below talks about the four things you cannot do when you argue with a partner if you plan to keep your relationship.
The Gottmans refer to these as the "Four Horsemen", or the ultimates in what not to do, and this article does a great job of laying it out there.
Keep in mind that these four things are not easy to change if they are part of your argument style, and contempt is the ringer when it comes to predicting the end of a relationship. If you are stuck in contempt or struggling with ANY of the four, give me a call and we can work on changing not only the argument style but also make sure your voice is heard.
http://www.relrules.com/4-things-you-cant-do-when-you-argue-with-your-partner/
Positive parenting. When you are in the thick of parenting, you may not even know what positive parenting means--let alone care. This resource does a good job of showing the difference between limiting feelings and limiting actions--which can be difficult if emotions (the parent's or the child's) are leading the charge.
I once again invite you to join the Gottman blog. They are a wonderful resource for relationships--including those between you and your child. If you are struggling with relationships, please consider giving me a call. I am here to help.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/positive-parenting-accept-feelings-limit-actions/
Don't wait until the damage to your relationship is irreversible. There is help! Request an appointment today to start.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/timing-is-everything-when-it-comes-to-marriage-counseling/
In a previous blog, I touched on Emotion Coaching in relation to being a better parent. I am providing a link to both an article directly from the researchers as well as the book that provides more info for parents.
It's an excellent resource if you don't have a parenting plan or if you think your plan doesn't work for your child.
Article: https://www.facebook.com/GottmanInstitute/posts/10153899512495865
Book:
https://www.gottman.com/shop/raising-an-emotionally-intelligent-child-the-heart-of-parenting-book/
The debate lives on--to spank or not to spank? The current thought is that there are long term and short term unintended negatives and very few positives to spanking. The research performed most recently is summed up in the following link.
No parent wants to create anxiety, let alone an anxiety disorder in their child. All of the parents who show up to my office want nothing more than to find out how their child can cope with the stress that life throws at them--and most of all help their child to take those coping skills into the rest of their lives.
Anxiety is not always a disorder, and in fact can be a healthy and normal response to extreme circumstances. Our bodies need to respond to extremes, and anxiety is a natural response to that extreme. Typical anxiety should aid in a short term response and then resolve when the extreme is gone.
Scientific American has now released research that shows a prolonged extreme style of parenting can create anxiety in children. This parenting style is sometimes called "tiger parenting" or a harsh and emotionally distant style which pushes the child to constantly achieve.
The style is characterized by high control and low warmth. It creates critical interactions without regard to the bond being created. This style is linked to three times higher occurrence of anxiety disorders in children. The article also touches on the repercussions into adulthood.
As always, I am available for consultation and treatment if you are concerned about your parenting style or the effects on your children. Many anxiety disorders respond to therapy, and in the case of anxiety exacerbated by parenting style, family therapy is a great option.
I've been reflecting a lot lately on the idea that relationships are more fulfilling when they are mutual and connected. The idea that compassion connects and advice disconnects is simple but powerful.
When your partner (or child, or coworker, or family member) is reaching out for connection, are you more focused on their thoughts and the solutions, or are you making attempts to know the feeling behind the connection?
Next time you are in a position of frustration in your relationship, try understanding the feeling that the other person is trying to convey, and see if the interaction is more mutual and fulfilling. I'd love your thoughts below.
Amazingly, research shows that compatibility, which is closely linked with personalities, is not a predictor of successful relationships. The key appears to lie more in the commitment to stay together. This commitment hinges on several key factors including whether or not there are common goals and whether or not life dreams are supported.
The article is fascinating and I would encourage anyone facing relationship problems to take a look. As always, if you feel more help is needed, please give me a call and come into the office.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/psychology-finally-reveals-the-answer-to-finding-your-soulmate/
Another cornerstone of the Gottman Research and Interventions. If you struggle with your current relationship-- albeit romantic ones were studied, but I think it applies to all relationships really--then you should familiarize yourself with these four predictors of doom.
I hope that you find the solutions you need in the article, but if you continue to struggle, give me a call and we can set up sessions to tackle the issues together.
http://www.elephantjournal.com/2012/12/four-habits-that-signal-relationship-doom-sara-mckeown/
One of the hardest times in a family's journey is when a new baby joins. There is a wonderful seminar that can help ease the transition. It is research based and a somewhat new set of interventions.
If the seminar format does not suit your needs, consider coming into the office. I treat family additions and the stress related to it, as well as the stress related to infertility, prenatal and postnatal journeys.
Start your journey now. Register and set your first appointment through our secure Client Portal:
https://lachut-family-therapy.clientsecure.me/ | becky@jaxfamilytherapy.com
904-357-0560
Telehealth for Florida, California and Washington Residents