How to Keep Our Heads Above Water--Best of the Best Articles for Couples Coping in COVID-19

I have to give credit to all of the wonderful therapists and researchers out there who are compiling excellent information on what to do during COVID-19 uncertainty. Much of what I read and attend to has to do with improving relationships. I hope you enjoy this compilation as much I as I did in reading them:

For Better or For Worse: Conflict and Connecting in Crisis

Addiction Recovery and Shelter in Place: What Do I Do?

Coping With Uncertainty During COVID-19: An International Gottman Perspective

Accepting Influence From Your Partner When You Can Barely Keep Your Head Above Water →

I’ve noticed a trend the last month or so of power struggles increasing in the couples that I see. I think it has to do with rising panic, uncertainty and an interminable timeline. There is a sense that if we seek control then we will feel more stable and calm, and in fact the opposite is true. Searching for control often increases our anxiety. Reaching for the illusion of control can decrease our self confidence when we realize that there is no certainty. We can also attempt to control one another in our relationships, leading to an increase in unhealthy conflicts.

I have noticed that there is a need to go back to the concept that the Gottman Institute has researched for almost fifty years: how to accept influence from our partners. I think the research can be applied to accepting influence from chaos as well, because it requires a level of faith instead of certainty. It requires jumping off a cliff into vulnerability instead of mitigating risks taken in the relationship.

I love this blog and encourage anyone wanting to improve accepting influence to read: https://www.gottman.com/blog/manage-conflict-accepting-influence/

Finding the deeper meaning in our conflict

I get the question very frequently in sessions: why are we fighting about something so small? Sometimes it’s about the dishwasher, did someone pick up their socks, or as I often share with the couples I see—salad. These may be a fight on repeat, which we call gridlocked problems, or they seem to come out of nowhere.

Out of confusion and sometimes defensiveness one or both partners in the conflict might choose to ignore or turn against their partner’s spoken need and miss the opportunity to grow closer together. If you have said or even thought, “They are nagging again” or “He is just picking a fight over nothing”, you have probably also missed an opportunity to see your partner more clearly and even find that love that drew you together in the first place.

If the fight is repeated or potentially gridlocked then there is almost certainly a missed opportunity for growth of loving and understanding. The Gottman Institute has developed a tool to help with this and it is called Dreams Within Conflict, a structured and easy to follow exercise, to help couples overcome conflict.

One of the best pairings for this tool is a safe environment to share. If you or your partner are struggling to see past these seemingly small fights and provide the safe place for you each to explore your deeper needs, request an appointment and we can work toward those goals together.

How to Use Aftermath of a Fight →

A great resource about how one couple uses the Gottman resource Aftermath of a Fight in real life. Reach out and schedule a session if you could use some help or resources like the one mentioned here.

Before You Get Married →

Whether you are recently engaged, married for twenty years or single and looking, this video gives research based information about how to intentionally make a marriage or partnership work. It comes down to the small moments and choices you make to be present.

Remarkable Parents

It takes time and experience to have insight as a parent. This blog was written by a family therapist who has had 10 Insights into what it takes to be a Remarkable Parent.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-insights-of-remarkable-parents-from-a-family-therapist/

Source: https://www.gottman.com/blog/10-insights-o...

We Marry the Wrong Person

An impressive New York Times piece on modern marriage and the reality that many people may not need to divorce. 

 http://www.nytimes.com/2016/05/29/opinion/sunday/why-you-will-marry-the-wrong-person.html?_r=0

Small Talk v. Intimacy

So how do you spend the (sometimes small) amount of time you have to talk to your partner? Do you promote connection or do you talk past each other? The difference may not be as obvious as you would think. 

 https://www.gottman.com/blog/how-to-protect-intimacy/

Take a Vacation

Taking a vacation is not always a viable option for couples. The extra time we spend together may be the first thing that goes in a marriage. What you can do to make your marriage work: 

 http://verilymag.com/2016/05/marriage-advice-keeping-the-romance-alive-lasting-love

Which Areas Do You Work On?

Being in a marriage can be difficult territory, especially if you don't know what your fights mean. The Gottmans have narrowed down the top 6 fights that all married couples have, and the areas of work needed as a result.

https://www.gottman.com/blog/6-arguments-all-married-couples-have/ 

How NOT To Argue

The article below talks about the four things you cannot do when you argue with a partner if you plan to keep your relationship.

The Gottmans refer to these as the "Four Horsemen", or the ultimates in what not to do, and this article does a great job of laying it out there.

Keep in mind that these four things are not easy to change if they are part of your argument style, and contempt is the ringer when it comes to predicting the end of a relationship. If you are stuck in contempt or struggling with ANY of the four, give me a call and we can work on changing not only the argument style but also make sure your voice is heard.

http://www.relrules.com/4-things-you-cant-do-when-you-argue-with-your-partner/